There was a time in my life when being self-sufficient was my goal. I was getting over a broken heart and I was fully embracing the "I don't need a man" line and I moved up to "I don't need anyone." I was having a really hard time adjusting to life after my best friend had drifted out of my life and my high school sweetheart had broken up with me. It was a period of deep pain and isolation. I decided that best way to move forward was to be independent. I started a new path in life.
This belief extended beyond my relationships. I really struggled to ask for help at work or school. I saw asking for help as a flaw and weakness. I couldn't be the amazing, independent person if I had to ask for help.
In the book Gift of Imperfection by Brene Brown, She talked about this trait as the myth of self-sufficiency.
"one of the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance we place on "going it alone." Somehow we've come to equate success with not needing anyone."
In my professional life, I played a role in creative problem solving with managers to break it down to "in order for us to reach these goals, we simply have to work as a team. In order for us to work better as a team we need to communicate our weaknesses and ask for help"
I had a really hard time asking for help. I felt incapable of doing my job, needy, like a whiner, uncomfortable, and sometimes unworthy. It was a skill I needed to develop and I knew it would help me in my personal life.
As a manager, I watched my team to learn why the 'best' were so good at their jobs. Those that could ask for help when they were overwhelmed or behind, without attaching drama to it, were the ones that were most successful at reaching goals. They were not ashamed to ask. They didn't start swearing, or throwing a fit. They didn't get emotional. They strived to stay as efficient and effective as possible while telling others how they could help. They asked for help, them delegated.
I've tried to coach that culture in my team. I praise them for asking for help. I openly ask how they are doing, and explain that unless they are 100% it's ok, lets get you help. I can even work on ways to help them delegate their assistance.
I believe this starts when we are young. The praise we get when we can tie our shoe, ride a bike, wash our laundry, or any basic skill, has been confused. Unfortunately, our culture has mistaken the ability to do a task on our own with human connection. We need others! This need or drive for connection is deeply seeded in us. It even has biological responses. Based on Brown's research we all need love and belonging in our lives. "we are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick." I know this isn't the only contributing factor, but it shows that love and belonging improves our quality of life.
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| Enjoying morning coffee with our dog. |
I'm exploring the use of aromatherapy. I love using Cedarwood oil. It's the oil of connection. On an emotion level it supports our ability to reconnect with others, and our sense of community. Try giving yourself a nice foot rub with 1 drop on each foot at night. I find it so relaxing and I just drift off to sleep.
If you would like support, please feel free to contact me. Maybe you feel victim of your surroundings and want to change, or you want more control over your emotions and mental inhibitions, I would love to talk with you. We can set up a phone call when you have time to share what you're going through. I'll give you support and follow up with you within a couple says to see how your doing, for free! You can send me a message with your phone number or reach out to me at 608-289-1113
~ Courtney
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