Dealing with Demenita.

Keith was an amazing father to me growing up. I couldn't have asked for a better person to step up to the plate and fill that role in my life. He has the biggest heart. I grew up calling him dad because that is the role he played in my life. I am blessed and grateful to love two dads.

He was diagnosed with front-lobe dementia a few years ago. It has been hard to watch this process.
Dementia can be a fool’s love game. My dad is “gone” mentally, just a ghost living in his body. It’s been difficult to accept. However, every once in a while, I get to “see” him. Who he is at his soul level. In these moments I suddenly feel overwhelmed with tears of joy, crashing over me like a wave. I’m seeing a long lost friend, and I’m so happy I cannot hold back the tears. As fast as they rush in, they wash away, and I’m pull in a tidal wave back into seas of sorrow and loss. The pain stabs the chest, taking my breath, and just like that we say goodbye again.

As we celebrated my birthday this week, we became aware that he has entered into a new stage. He is starting to be aggressive and violent. It was a shock to my brother and I, as he tried to hit my brother. In the moment we were dumbfounded, unsure of how to manage him. Mom knew how to distract him, but things were clearly getting worse. We both understand that it's not him, it's the disease. That reminder is helpful but doesn't release the emotions that still come with these experiences.

It's helpful to keep reminding us, but know that there is a different struggle going on inside of us. I know its not him anymore. Do I even miss him anymore? I'm trying to wrap my brain around what makes this hard to swallow. I know he's not in pain, or suffering. I'm grateful I don't have to watch that. These emotions are not of sympathy, they feel like they come from my very foundation. I guess it's the shock of seeing someone else in his body. It messing with me. I just want respect for the emotional journey I'm going through. Don't try to understand how I feel, just know some days are hard.

Let me try and enlighten you. First there is shock. Do you remember how you felt when you first saw the planes hit the towers? The disbelief? "That can't be happening?" feeling  There is a touch of fear, like when you see a demon possessed body in a movie. It's the fear of the unknown and strange. It makes you uneasy. There is a deepening feeling of loss. Even though I said goodbye a long time ago. It's a reminder, like watching a movie reenact it all over again, and you remember the pain and tears of saying goodbye. I feel the weight of a burden. Can I be there for him? Can I step up to this role? It's scary. I have deep love and respect for my mom for the care she has given.

Last night was the last night that my dad will sleep in his own bed at home, next to my mom. I don't even understand why that brings me to tears. Today was too difficult and authorities agree he needs professional care now. I'm glad my dad will get better care. I'm happy my mom will get assistance she needs and some of this burden taken off her plate. It's better for all that he gets this help and attention. I don't understand why this makes me cry. Every time he hits a new stage, I break down. I know it's coming. I know what the next stage looks like, what to expect. But when I experience it, it's still heartbreaking.

I know dementia is on the rise, so I hope some can read this and relate.
I use geranium essential oil over my heart and stomach. Aromatically this oil is a superstar for emotional support. I don't care for the smell, but find that each day gets easier. I also use a calming blend of essential oils for peace. I allow myself to feel. Acknowledging both physical and emotional responses and I'm releasing them as best I can. I try to embrace the feelings I have, weather I can justify them or not. I accept them as part of the process; they are neither good, nor bad they just are.

If you would like to talk with me, please feel free to email me. It can be about this journey or making you way through any other stages of life, either way, I'm open for a chat.

~ Courtney
Juhlsessential@gmail.com

Fear of support.

I shared about vulnerability and asking for help in my last post but here is a whole new take on getting support.

We were at church last Sunday; Pastor was sharing about Hope when God is silent. It was a great message about the times in our lives when we feel God isn't listening and we doubt we work. Towards the end of the service, Pastor changed things up and announced today he would encourage those that would like to receive prayer to raise their hands, and asked the church to gather around those that did. We would pray together for the ones that raised their hands.

My husband's hand went up....not just a little.... it went up.

I was deeply moved by his vulnerability to ask for prayer. It was his first time asking for support from our church family. He has been struggling with his health and we haven't found answers yet.

My eyes quickly felt hot with tears. The emotions raising inside of me were fiercely moving me with the urge to sob. I wanted to share with you how I gained control and moved through this surge of emotions.

I very quickly acknowledged what I was feeling and evened my breathing. I didn't want to breakdown from this tidal wave coming at me, at the support and prayer my husband was receiving. I was deeply touched but didn't what to release the floodgate I felt within. I focused on deep even breaths to gain control of my responses. It was effective at slowing things down. Now, I was just a little watery eyed. I was back in control.

I began to seek the source. I asked myself "why does receiving support and prayer move me to tears?" I waited and the answer that came floating up was "undeserving, unworthy."  Did I really feel like I didn't deserve the prayers, encouragement, or attention from my church family? Again, the answer that rose was a yes. It came from a subconscious place. It wasn't time for me to figure out why I felt unworthy or underserving. I just acknowledge that something inside me felt that way for some reason. I then made a conscious choice that we are worthy to receive this, and listened to the pastor's prayer while focusing on an affirmation that we deserve to receive. We are worthy of support and prayer. I welcomed it now from a peaceful place.

It wasn't until a group of people (both known and unknown) came to lay hands on my husband that I discovered this trigger. I didn't know this emotional block was there. I know we are worthy of God's healing and support.  I don't struggle with guilt or shame, because I believe God forgives us of our past. Prayer can be a powerful thing. When we combine spiritual requests with action, like laying hands on another. It creates an undeniable message to the universe of care, and support.

On a second note, I was moved my hubby's vulnerability to admit his struggle. He hadn't been displaying much concern for what he has been dealing with. I know that sometimes confessing something out loud or in action is a big step. I, too, have had feelings or thoughts that I didn't want to say out loud because that meant it was real. I encourage you to stop allowing denial to play a role in your life. Admit your fears, sadness, grief, or shame out loud.  You can't fully receive support unless you express the battle you feel inside. When we hide in denial, we are lost meandering around trying to avoid the pain of moving forward. This only delays your growth and healing. The fastest way to find healing and deep happiness is to move through the struggle. What are we waiting for?

If you are in need of a lift or support, I encourage you not to wait for another to do something. They might be lost in the own emotional struggles and unable to truly hear your call. I encourage you to play the role you need. Show yourself kindness and self-love. Here are some ideas of what that might look like.
1. Prayer and mediation.
2. A hot bath, maybe a candle burning and relaxing music playing.
3. Buy yourself flowers,  or something nice.
4. Take a peaceful walk in the park or along the beach.
Do something for yourself that you hope someone would do for you. Don't wait for others.

I love this next step. Write yourself a letter or card and fill it with words you want to hear.
"You are beautiful. You are perfect just the way you are. I wouldn't change you for anything"
"I'm proud of you. You did a great job."
"You are amazing. Your strength inspires me. You continue to persevere with grace. "
"Thank you for all the work you do. You are beyond helpful. Thanks for your support."
Don't allow yourself to get catch up in your frustrations with another. This isn't about them!
This is about YOU. If you feel yourself getting worked up or emotional, gently guide your mind back to a peaceful place of self-love. You are essentially telling God and the universe that you are deserving, even if no one else is there to say it. You still need to hear/ see and receive it.

I love defusing Bergamot essential oil, it's so uplifting. On an emotional level is assist with feelings of being unworthy. It supports our self-love and self-respect. It gives a confidence boost. It helps to quite our inner critic and raise our self confidence. It's such a happy oil.

If you would like support, please feel free to contact me. Maybe you feel victim of your surroundings and want to change, or you want more control over your emotions and mental inhibitions, I would love to talk with you. We can set up a phone call when you have time to share what you're going through. I'll give you support and follow up with you within a couple says to see how your doing, for free! You can send me a message with your phone number or reach out to me at 608-289-1113

~ Courtney