He was diagnosed with front-lobe dementia a few years ago. It has been hard to watch this process.
Dementia can be a fool’s love game. My dad is “gone” mentally, just a ghost living in his body. It’s been difficult to accept. However, every once in a while, I get to “see” him. Who he is at his soul level. In these moments I suddenly feel overwhelmed with tears of joy, crashing over me like a wave. I’m seeing a long lost friend, and I’m so happy I cannot hold back the tears. As fast as they rush in, they wash away, and I’m pull in a tidal wave back into seas of sorrow and loss. The pain stabs the chest, taking my breath, and just like that we say goodbye again.
As we celebrated my birthday this week, we became aware that he has entered into a new stage. He is starting to be aggressive and violent. It was a shock to my brother and I, as he tried to hit my brother. In the moment we were dumbfounded, unsure of how to manage him. Mom knew how to distract him, but things were clearly getting worse. We both understand that it's not him, it's the disease. That reminder is helpful but doesn't release the emotions that still come with these experiences.
It's helpful to keep reminding us, but know that there is a different struggle going on inside of us. I know its not him anymore. Do I even miss him anymore? I'm trying to wrap my brain around what makes this hard to swallow. I know he's not in pain, or suffering. I'm grateful I don't have to watch that. These emotions are not of sympathy, they feel like they come from my very foundation. I guess it's the shock of seeing someone else in his body. It messing with me. I just want respect for the emotional journey I'm going through. Don't try to understand how I feel, just know some days are hard.
Let me try and enlighten you. First there is shock. Do you remember how you felt when you first saw the planes hit the towers? The disbelief? "That can't be happening?" feeling There is a touch of fear, like when you see a demon possessed body in a movie. It's the fear of the unknown and strange. It makes you uneasy. There is a deepening feeling of loss. Even though I said goodbye a long time ago. It's a reminder, like watching a movie reenact it all over again, and you remember the pain and tears of saying goodbye. I feel the weight of a burden. Can I be there for him? Can I step up to this role? It's scary. I have deep love and respect for my mom for the care she has given.
Last night was the last night that my dad will sleep in his own bed at home, next to my mom. I don't even understand why that brings me to tears. Today was too difficult and authorities agree he needs professional care now. I'm glad my dad will get better care. I'm happy my mom will get assistance she needs and some of this burden taken off her plate. It's better for all that he gets this help and attention. I don't understand why this makes me cry. Every time he hits a new stage, I break down. I know it's coming. I know what the next stage looks like, what to expect. But when I experience it, it's still heartbreaking.
I know dementia is on the rise, so I hope some can read this and relate.
I use geranium essential oil over my heart and stomach. Aromatically this oil is a superstar for emotional support. I don't care for the smell, but find that each day gets easier. I also use a calming blend of essential oils for peace. I allow myself to feel. Acknowledging both physical and emotional responses and I'm releasing them as best I can. I try to embrace the feelings I have, weather I can justify them or not. I accept them as part of the process; they are neither good, nor bad they just are.
If you would like to talk with me, please feel free to email me. It can be about this journey or making you way through any other stages of life, either way, I'm open for a chat.
~ Courtney
Juhlsessential@gmail.com
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